Poverty, being poor, being without, wanting more...

As a child my mother always told me and my sisters how men were mean and that men always took the wages they earned and kept them for themselves.
Mother always told me more than a few times that I was going to grow up and be a wife beater, alcoholic like my father. She acted like it was a certain fact. She also went on that there was only one thing that men wanted form women, and that was sex. But at other times she went on about men keeping women as slaves and that women never ever got a fair run in their own home.

With this background I was set up to be very insecure about women, myself as a male, and was frightened that I would be what my father was, or at least mothers version of dad.

When I married, my mother taught my wife how to treat me so that she had full control of the finances etc. I was scared of being a failure unfair and bad husband so I let her have full control of the bank account and then worked much overtime thinking that I was doing the right thing for my family as a good husband and father should. Years later I was told from my wife's family members that she would take out the wages from the joint bank account, go to her parents place and gamble it all away because she was hopeless at poker. They loved her playing poker with them because they always got heaps of booze money from my wages.

One week I did so much overtime that there was over $1000 in the bank, 3 days later there was nothing in the bank, I asked my wife where it was and she said that it was, "Just gone!" We fought, she played the victim, I felt terribly guilty and we carried on. I look back amazed that I allowed myself to be treated like that, but today I have to accept it.

Whenever I wanted something as a child my mother was not forthcoming with the money often. I was told that I needed braces for my teeth as a child, mother said, "No!"
At Intermediate School I was told that I needed spectacles, mother said, "No!" so I went through High School unable to see the blackboard and what was on it, and struggled to see most everything as my sight was failing.
I was an easy 3rd in the High School cross country, was told to tell my mother that i needed the sports gear to go to the Inter-island championships to represent the school, mother said, "No!"
I wanted to join Boy Scouts, Rugby and whatever else and always mother said, "No!"

My older sister was in a marching group and had an outfit etc to go with it.

Mother said to me on a few occasions that men got it all, that women were on the planet to suffer for men, and that she was damned if she was going to help give me opportunities when she knew that I was going to take advantage of women for the rest of my life as an adult and plenty of opportunities would come my way.
But by denying me all the opportunities growing up she made me unconfident and struggling, I had anxiety all my childhood, fears and never felt worthy or confident. Tried to hang myself before I was 9 because I hated my life and life itself.

I was never allowed to go on a school trip and had to go through the intense embarrassment each time the rest of my class and other classes went on a trip for a few weeks and "Sandbrook" was always left behind. I would watch them all leave in the bus, tears in my eyes, ashamed, wishing I was dead, wishing I was like them.
Mother made sure that opportunities and confidence never came my way. My sisters went away on school trips. I got used to missing out. I got into the bad habit of talking down to myself. I had to find a reason in my child immature mind for my missing out and I came up with what dad and mother said at times plus my older sister, that I was an idiot, stupid and a failure who was unworthy of what other peopel had, so I missed out because that was all I deserved and all that I was worthy of habving, nothing. My heart was breaking on a regular basis watching others acheive, even in my own family, yet I didn't, I failed, I fell, I was the one who was obvioulsy not going to make it. You get to the stage that your failure and msiery is what you deserve and a fact, so don't be foolish and hope for better, because better does not come to fools.

Mother used to shame us, or me, in the most embarresing shameful ways that caused us, me. much anxietry and fear of what she would do next to embarress us. Like walking down the street with her and she saw boys shorts on the road and ran on to the road, held them up for all to see, and say, "They will fit you just right Jim!", dust them of with a few swipes and try to give them to me, and me stqaring in horror and looking around terrified that school friends were about and walking away horrified.
I have no doubt that to some degree mother was mentally challenged, but she was also very narcissist and mean, especially she hated men except for sex and she had many affairs.
On another occasion to shame me with the inlaws mother went around to their home begging for money for my younger sisters shoes saying that I was too mean to help her out, yet she had never mentioned her needing shoes, and the mother in law, another narcissist, gloated about what a bad son I was making my mother go aroudn begging. Mother took delight in revenge and hurting people. I had paid for many things for my little sister, and I also had my own family to look after.
There were many times when out in public with mother that I wished that the earth would open up and swallow me, she was just that unpredictable and loved embarresing us.

So when I was married I was ripe for Narcissist abuse and even though I was earning much money she was taking it away just as fast. She grew to a hefty 18 stone and every time I needed something for the car or a tool for the garage I had to convince her that we needed it, sometimes I felt that I was begging, it was rediculoues. I was always scared of speaking out because I could hear mothers statements in the back of my soul saying how I was going to destroy my families happiness because I was going to be mean just like my father.
Mother said that Dad never showed her the bank statements, so I was trying to be a good man and not ask to see them. For a few years I worked ahrd, did much overtime, and we got more and more in debt, it didn't make sense, and then we finally had it all out and we split up in 1991 only to get back together in 1997, I didn't learn my lesson the first time :-(

It is very possible to have a lot of money and to be poor.

I have changed so much in the last 15 years and have been happily single, without a woman, without any romance or sex at all, and have been the most happiest that I have ever been in my life even though I had to deal with depression, anxiety, rebuild my life and gain confidence, courage and self respect that I have never had up until recent years.
No woman could ever take advantage of me ever again because I have studied Narcissism so much, and now have a good understanding of how I was used and abused for most of my life, so I know what the warning signs are, what to look out for and if a woman ever showed signs of using me I would hold the door open gladly even if I loved her dearly. I respect and care for my future far too much to put up with some abuser ever again.

Recently a woman made a few passes at me, wanting to start a relationship, wanting me to let her come live with me, and immediately I thought of all the things that I still wanted to buy and I kept away from her. Not all women are like my ex-wife or my mother, but as soon as I get one my buying power is going to be heavily stunted so for now and maybe for ever I will stay alone. A woman would have to be really special for me to want her in my life, and she would have to be 100% honest, loving and have the same kind of beliefs and dreams that I have.

I have some money these days, I am buying what I have always wanted, and I am enjoying doing so. I think that at my age I can be pretty sure that I will remain as I am, single and alone, but there are far worse things in the world to happen to someone, so its all good.