by James M Sandbrook
When you deal with people please try to understand that you are dealing with a human being that has already come up with a way to deal with situations and it very well may be very different to anything that you personally have ever experienced before, leaving you upset or not sure how to react.
Every home is a culture-of-sorts, a place where a group of people come to conclusions about life, people, politics and so on, and also their own views on marriage, relationships. There can also be abuses, hidden family secrets, survival modes that each member of the family falls into when stressed because they have not healed yet. When each member of the family leaves home they take a big hunk of the parents opinions, belief system and so on with them. All this you have to deal with when you get into a relationship/marriage.
It is also important to note that what you think is important, his or her family as a group discard without a thought, while to you it may be deep and emotional. Please remember, you are marrying an individual, but if he or she refuses to cut heavy ties with their family, you may as well be married to the entire family because they will put their views forward often.
Years ago I had a friend who would sulk whenever he had to have a confrontation with someone. He feared the face to face confrontation and his reaction was to stay alone and sulk, maybe for days on end, thus frustrating people who had to deal with him in other matters. This caused people to judge him unfairly.
You may feel that the person you love is reacting as they do, as strange or causing you to break up, but this reaction to you from that person may simply be all that he or she knows and that person is simply doing what he or she has always done in these sorts of situations.
Both people could be in the right but both of them reacts in a different way, thus making it look like the other is at fault, is frustrating and “impossible”, but in reality that other person has no idea how to react differently.
This is where understanding comes into our relationships. Taking a step back and looking at what has happened between the two of you and looking at your reaction and their reaction.
Someone has to be the mature one here, so it may as well be you. What are you seeing?
Reactions that are not productive or positive can cause permanent breakups and years of bitterness and suffering because it may look to each partner that he or she is the one being “impossible” and the one who is in the wrong. But another thought to consider, is “Is our reaction to their reaction any help or making things even worse?”
Also other people, especially family of the other person can get in the way causing all sorts of suffering and grief for the pair of you.
A good path is to understand family interference and understanding that the one we love is taking their advice, but also noting that once the two are conversing, you and your partner and both share your heartfelt feelings for each other a new start can take place.
If we see only the wrong in the other person and not ourselves then we are not in the path of success because your partner will see that you are blaming only that person for what is going wrong or the split and not being mature enough to see that it takes two to argue. So, being truthful, “what did you do wrong?” and also you expect your partner to change, to come back, to be reasonable and want you back, so what are you expecting you to do? You should not expect anything of your partner that you are not willing to do.
Please remember that your partner (just like you) has baggage from previous relationships and also family upbringing), you also have the same issues.
How your partner reacts to arguments and so on are from the past, and how you react is from the past, please be aware of this.
Now, do you love each other?
Then with your heart full of love react to your partner, react with the desire to heart-fully get your love one back.
Please see all the wonder in why you fell in love, why you like being together, understand that we all have our weird ways, even in our reactions to each other and life situations.
Remind yourself why you love each other with every hug every conversation, every time you look into each others eyes.
And for gosh sakes, please don’t let family and friends draw you apart.
They have their views, but what you and your partner have is something special, and that love needs to be preserved with understanding, responsibility and love, from both of you.
All the best from
James Martin Sandbrook.