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When I was married, I put up with a lot of things that I should not have put up with, and my children still tend to see me as weak and foolish due to what I did put up with that they saw.
I went into my marriage believing that my wife wanted what i wanted, and after two disastrous attempts I finally realised that she was not on the same wavelength as I was, what she wanted was far different, and also I was of a mature level that she was not on, she wanted to remain like a teenager or young adult, free from the constraints of marriage and brining up children.
I should have realised and said to myself, “You Don’t Have To Do This”.
As my children became young adults I was asked why was so weak, why did I let my ex push me around so much, and that answer I didn’t have, because at that time I too had no idea why I was so easily misled, pushed around etc.
But a few years later I had the answer, after they had left home, and the answer is that I had no mental foundation put in me to protect myself from abusers.
Its the same as training someone to live in the wild. If you don’t teach that person how to get food, what to grow, what not to eat that is poisonous, and what animals will attack, how to protect yourself from them and so on, you will die easily.
When we are brought up with parents who are more interested in themselves (Because a commercial society taught them to be so) and their own lives, they tend to leave their own children defenceless in the world, mostly without realising it.
For people who are users, abusers, and manipulators, these unprepared people are the victims that they love to seek out, attract, lie to then abuse for years.
And the unprepared go from one bad relationship to another without a clue as to why they fail each time, and why they fall for a narcissist.
We, as adults going through many bad relationships, tend to self hate, be seen by others as foolish, and no one recognizes that we are actually not prepared for the bad people who we would meet in our lives who would hurt us and enjoy it.
We were educated for a commercial world, to work, obey authorities, but not prepared or educated on how to live, control our emotions, deal with bad people, or how to be prepared and what to look out for when someone tries to abuse us.
We get fooled because no one told us what bad people were like, how they tricked, love bombed, gas lighted, and manipulated people, so when the manipulator used these tactics on us we were easily fooled, then abused, used and lived a miserable period of our lives.
Because both of my parents were toxic and neither had any inclination or want to help us children mature with stable minds prepared for life and prepared for manipulators and narcissist types, I was easily fooled because I had no idea what to look out for in life, what to prepare for and especially where my father failed me, I had no idea what a bad woman was or what ways she could use and abuse me while always making herself look as if she was the victim.
When we are not prepared for life by mature stable parenting, we become easy prey for bad people.
What should have been drilled into my head mentally was that “I didn’t have to put up with this and that” behaviour from other people.
Like, the forever drawn out arguments that never seemed to be productive, and I often lost even though I went into the argument with a common sense clearly knowing I was right, but as the argument progressed my character was attacked, and then old mistakes brought up to remind me that I was a fool, stupid and could not possibly know the right answer etc.
If my parents had taught me that this is how a manipulator fights by tearing me down, I would have recognised this as a bad thing and parted company with this person even if I loved her.
The manipulator teaches us that the problem is us (the victim) and the manipulator presents themselves as wise, of knowledge, and of the answers, so, in any debate and argument with the manipulator he or she is always right and the victim is always wrong – even though the reality can be completely different, you see, the manipulator discovered that it is not the truth that wins out, it is how the victim see’s the situation, how the victims see’s him or herself, and all the manipulator needs to do is mix lies with truths and the victim is seeing the liar as the one who is the better thinker etc.
We should have been prepared for the words, sentences, the manipulation, love bombing, careful designs used to trap people into relationships that only work out for the other person. The other thing people don’t realise is that manipulators plan a relationship, abuse their victim for years, and then carefully leave the relationships leaving the victim looking like the bad person who ruined the marriage, and even the children can be convinced to side with the manipulative parent.
What I should have said to my self in one of those fruitless arguments that she always seemed to win was, “I don’t need to be a part of this” or “James, you don’t have to do this”
I stayed in the toxic relationship for the children, when I didn’t have to do that, because in the end she left anyway for a simpler life with less hassles leaving all the children with me.
We put up with so much at work, at home, in a toxic marriage, in a toxic family environment, flatting and such that we really don’t need to do.
We seem to torture ourselves with guilt and ‘reasons” that really don’t make any real sense, to stay in situation that are not good for us, yet no-one really taught us how to avoid such toxic people, or how to determine what was a toxic relationship, what we didn’t know is that we didn’t really have a real logical common sense for putting up with that situation or those people.
Another point is how we dislike ourself for staying in a bad situation, yet we talk ourselves into staying because of this or that reason, when there really is no real logic in putting up with it, we just for some reason give a weak reason a lot of power like an electric fence to keep ourselves captive where we shouldn’t be.
What we need to do, because as children we were not prepared for the abuse of manipulators is to teach ourselves as adults how to deal with manipulative people, and what love bombing is, and even ask ourselves are we vain, and is our vanity and ego allowing us to be sucked into another abusive relationships?
Rearmed with knowledge and wisdom from the past, manipulators have a far less chance of fooling us, while also we can now see, and recognise the abusers in our life today, and depart from their company.
Be brave, because regardless of your past failing and mistakes, which we all make, you are worthy, and you are worth protecting. Please remember, don’t repeat the mistakes of your own parents and grandparents, educate your children where you were not educated, prepare them for a healthy wise mature future of which they deserve.
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