I grew up in what would today be called a Toxic Family.
Although there were good times I can clearly remember some terrible and frightening times.
There were many things that children should not see or know that we were made aware of as children, and abuse was there.
When I became a teenager I became aware that some people saw me as strange and I also became aware that I offended some people. Instead of being angry about this, or fighting back, I became more reclusive and even more shy.
I found out that because I didn’t have a good foundation about what life was all about or how to deal with people, and no decent example of what a man should be, I was doing things that I shouldn’t be doing, and I was very confused about life.
I remember an experience as a child visiting some people with an adult family member and I had no idea what hand the knife went into or any table manners. Being shy I just sat frozen in my chair trying to see what the other people were doing. after a while I tried to cut off some butter and was heavily verbally told off in front of the family that we were visiting for my great lack of ability to do the simple things in life and how stupid I was. With tears, and the agony of deep shame, I just hung my head and didn’t want to touch another thing on the table from that moment on. Somehow I got through it. It was obvious that the family who we visited were embarrassed as well.
Later on I was asked if I wanted to visit that family again and I refused because the same person was going again and I was sure to expect to be shown what an idiot I was once again. I learned fast to avoid certain occasions with certain people, it was safer.
The only thing that was positive from that visit was that for the first time I had come into contact with the sea in wintertime. I found out that it was magic and my deep love for the sea has grown ever since that time. I walked along the beach for hours with the wind gushing around me, the sky alight with clouds and flickering light, the waves delightfully crashing up on the shore and against rocks, and the air electrified, the mist, the spray, the rain, it was all magical. It lifted my heart and I vowed that one day I would live at the beach – and that is my goal. I would like in the future a little place by the beach with a bit of land and that would be all I would need for my internal spiritual bliss.
What I learned was that as a young lad my parents had not given me any foundation of life or of good manners. I really new nothing at all. Thankfully as a teenager I got to visit a friends place, and his family sort of took me under their wing and helped me understand many things about life, good family things. The things that were missing from my own crazy dysfunctional family. I watched my friends family closely at their home and saw the things that they did. I learned a lot from them. I am very thankful for that experience.
As an adult with children I discovered that I was still lacking manners because I had not known that certain manners existed. I have always been polite to women and opened doors for them etc. Its not that, it was many of the small things that had me very confused. So I got a book on etiquette.
It was clear that some manners seem ridiculous or strange, but many have good reasons for being there. Like no putting ones elbows on the table because one may knock over a cup or interfere with someone else’s eating.
Then I learned about what was expected of me at a wedding, and at a 21st event and other events where a certain procedures were followed. All these things I wasn’t told while growing up. I was left to fumble through life and make a big fool of myself, then those who didn’t teach me informed me of my mistakes and lack of ability.
The main point to consider is this is why I believe that many teenagers and young adults are sometimes seen as stupid and useless. I did feel that way as a teenager, and I knew that adults saw me as a loser.
Once I was in town eating an ice-cream in the hot sun. I was wearing only shorts and singlet, no shoes, standing by my GT car, and an old man came up to me in the street and in front of people he started yelling at me and telling me what a loser I was draining the country of its resources and that I should get a job, shame on me. And that back in his day he did this and that. On and on he went. I felt very sorry for him, so much so I didn’t say anything back, but I doubt I would have been able to get a word in anyway, he was enjoying his moment of triumph.
All through his verbal attack I just ate my ice-cream and nodded at him at various points in his judgments of my failure in life. I would never of hit the old fellow, no matter what he said I would never lower myself to hurting someone that it was clearly obvious I could easily beat. Some of the people that had gathered around to hear his attack on me, knew me and knew that I wasn’t what the old fellow was saying I was, so they too were amused. After the old fellow left my wife came out and saw the crowd and asked what was going on. Both of us saw it as amusing because I was working at that time at the Kinlieth paper mills and had been there for about 6 years by then. I was fully employed, owned a car and house etc.
Not at any time had the man asked me what I was doing or whether I was in work, or anything. He felt that it was his right to just let me know what a bludger and loser that I was in his eyes and then triumphantly he walked off feeling good about himself and his working life.
Being judged wrongly seemed to be my life at some stages. People just assume that they have it all down pat about faults in my character and off they go proudly informing me or others of it.
If you feel that you are not fitting in with society you don’t need to lower your social standards or change your ways to suit the crowd, but you can learn better manners, and it is a good idea to find out what manners are required of you at certain events so that you are not made to look foolish and you can also know what is required of you. Part of maturity is being prepared by doing your homework.
If your parents didn’t teach you much like mine didn’t, then find out what you need to know for yourself. Your life will roll on much more peacefully if you teach yourself what your parents should have taught you.
All the best from
James M Sandbrook.
Saturday, 19 March 2016, 8:23:15 AM.