Torey Hayden is a person who reminds me of myself. She gets upset at herself where other teachers would have punished a child, feeling justified, then forgot the whole incident. But not Torey, neither me.
My father and mother were not good parents, both bad examples of parenting. Because of that I struggled deeply as a single parent. I had ideas that parenting was an honourable deed, something wonderful, something so true.
But with no foundation of decency I struggled, made so many mistakes, spent many hours crying trying to figure out if I had done the right thing or the wrong thing. I held a lot of guilt when in reality I should have understood myself, my past and how I was so unprepared for the parenting I was doing.
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Years ago when my eldest daughter did very well at High School she made a comment that hurt me deeply about my failed education. I was so ashamed of being an educational failure, of being stupid, of shaming my children because I felt unworthy as their father, because surely they couldn’t be proud of such a loser 🙁
It didn’t even occur to me that she succeeded partially because of the years of homeschooling I taught her.
But then something happened on, and a veil was lifted. Right in front of me was my teenage years again. And to my shock I saw this that I had forgotten for a long time.
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I was told at around 11-12 years old by a professional that I needed spectacles after my eyes were tested, my mother refused to buy them. She told me that when I left school I would have to buy my own.
Not being able to see clearly and being colour blind I was handicapped all through High School because I could not see what was written on the board, and I couldn’t see good enough to play sports.
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Mum had lots of parties. I slept in the lounge, there were only enough beds for my sisters and my mother, so if mother had people over I was unable to sleep until they all left. If they left at 3am (which did happen) I had to stay up until they left because they were sitting on my bed, the couch.
It was at High School that my mother gave away my dog to the pound to be put down. She had decided that we did not want him any more and she rang the pound to take him away. He was a small dog, I had him for about 5-7 years at that stage. Prince and I were very close, I was devastated by this event, and for years I imagined him coming back to me. I suffered much sadness and tears over this.
Years earlier Mum left dad at one period, and Prince stayed locked in a cage at the neighbours, and while we were gone Prince refused to eat in grief, he was starving to death before their eyes, and no matter what they tried be refused to eat, when we came back and he was with me again he started eating again. This is why I know that the dog pound killed Prince, because no matter where they took him he would come back to us.
Mother had a fascination for male gays, and she would have them over often and she would go to parties with them and my older sister. The male gays loved threatening me saying they wanted sex with me. I disliked them greatly. When they came over I stayed awake frightened of being raped. Mother thought that it was an awesome joke, and she would taunt me over them as well.
Because of this (and other reason’s) if a male gay touches me in any sexual way I get instantly violent. I refuse to tolerate their advances in any sense. I find their sexual activities deeply disgusting.
But having said that I have worked with female and male gays and I get on fine with them.
So you see that here are a few of the reasons that I would have had some troubles studying and keeping sane.
I no longer feel ashamed of my school results, I think I got through such craziness reasonably well.
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You can also see why I struggled with parenting. When my ex-wife first left, I asked my mother to help me with my children and she wasn’t interested. She wanted to see me fail.
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I still believe that parenting is an honourable thing to do. And I understand now what I new back then as a single parent and I don’t have guilt or blame myself anymore.
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All the best from
James M Sandbrook.
Friday, 25 March 2016, 11:28:18 AM.