Because I was a peaceful meek person, unconfident, reserved and rejected by many during my life, I was easy to abuse.
Unprepared, I had no idea what to look for, or how to defend myself against a narcissist.
I felt that because I was previously in the clutches of an abuser, that I needed someone to look after me – but what I really needed was inner-strength to stand alone.
I clung to the abuser because I wanted to please, and I subconsciously thought that I needed this person to cope with life. The more that the abuser pushed me away (knowing that I would come back), the more I rushed back clinging to the relationship, thinking that if I lost the narcissist that I would be losing an important limb.
I saw love and good in a person who had no love, and very little goodness. If the good points in the abuser didn’t exist I imagined them to be there because that suited my dream of the ideal relationship, and it suited my lies to myself that she cared. To admit that I was being used and abused meant admitting to myself the truth that I was a victim, a fool. It also meant admitting to others that I was what they would call stupid, my ego wouldn’t allow that.
The abuser sensed all my weaknesses and walked over me easily using guilt, and other crafty techniques etc.
The narcissist plays games with our already upset, unbalanced emotions. They give us all sort of arguments that turn us against the feelings of our heart, and they make us doubt our own instincts.
They have these so-called logical and commonsense arguments to prove that your heart, soul, instincts and senses are wrong. And even when we are faced with obvious evidence that goes directly against the lies of the narcissist, we still refuse to believe that the evidence is true, so we stay “a willing” fool for the narcissist.
They manufacture emotions in us. They create fear were there is no need for fear. Fears are used as controllers. Fears of letting people down, fears of failure, fears of being laughed at, fears to keep the victim secluded from people that can help them, fears of admitting what a great mistake he or she has made giving their life to a narcissist.
The narcissist blame others to keep thoughts of blame off them, and they play the innocent victim to get the ongoing sympathy of the real victim. Playing the victim gives the narcissist incredible control over a victim who wants to protect people. And if the victim can be seduced into thinking that the narcissist is scared or being taken advantage of, then the victim will always be willing to be at the beck and call of the abuser.
Because the narcissist is a master of using emotions to control people, especially creating guilt, the narcissist is good at turning the victims feelings against themself.
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If the victim starts to sense that something is wrong and becomes loud, disruptive, even threatens to be violent or breaks something in honest frustration, the narcissist will use this against them.
The poor emotionally unbalanced victim will be accused of losing control, of becoming violent (and the poor victim will feel that loss of control makes them bad and guilty because this is the opposite of their true nature etc). This turns the tables from the victim thinking that the narcissist is bad, to forgiving the narcissist and thinking that it is the victim that is wrong.
The narcissist comes out of this confrontation looking innocent, while the victim in a moment of violent frustration looks so bad and guilty. The victim appears to be unstable while the manipulating narcissist looks innocent, abused, and in control.
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All the best from
James M Sandbrook.
First Published – 18th of October, 2015.
