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My sisters and I sadly were subjected to our mothers desire to be something more than a mother and disappointed to be a stay-at-home mother.
I saw a Pearl video (shown below) that reminded me of this.
Mother often spoke of her past, of Dad, and how she partied with Dad as a teenager, how she had only one small checkout job, and how disappointed she was that her life turned out as it was because she got pregnant so young. Naturally as her children we felt very sorry for her and what seemed a sad situation that life forced her in to.
Never did we consider that Mother made bad choices and such, we all felt that people and life had dished out a bad-lot to Mother and that was that.
There was a time when I was small when Mother made a great shot at being a mother, and she sewed, baked wonderful cakes and biscuits, and kept the house wonderfully clean and such. But this only lasted a few years.
I always got the impression that Mother assumed that she was born for greatness and it was denied to her by the world. She always made claims like that if Cliff Richard ever met her that he would fall madly in love with her and so on.
Mother definitely felt that motherhood was a dismal unrewarding misery to be endured and not celebrated.
Somewhere along the line and for some reason Mother decided to take it out on us children, this predicament that she was in.
I once read a list of 10 things that a narcissist parent would say to their children, and they stated that if you parent/s said 3 of these things then they were narcissists, Mother said them all to us and regularly.
The thing about Mother is that she said things about her past, about us children and about Dad so many times that she came to believe that they were 100% true, and some of my sisters still see it Mothers way.
Mother would call dad unfaithful (and he was) while she was sleeping with many other men, and sometimes in the house while us children were home, and sometimes with my sisters teenage boyfriends, Mother was far from faithful. But somehow in her mind she felt that she was the honourable one and Dad was not – it was always a contest with her to present herself as his victim, as life’s victim, and of her getting an unfair lot in life while taking unfairly what she could from people as best as she could.
Mother left Dad when I was probably around 12 years old. She took all us children with her.
I don’t wrote this to pick at my dead mother, but to warn others, especially to help those who had a mother or father like this, and the parent repeats their fantasies so much in their own head, out loud, and to others, that finally the fantasy to that person becomes reality, and in mothers case a Belief System where she was the eternal victim and hard done by – some of my sisters (even though they state that mother was a narcissist) they still see her as Mother presented herself to them.
Mothers brothers and sisters all see Mother as a victim, Dad as a tyrant, and Mother as innocent all the way and a good decent suffering mother and that is how Mother presented herself to them and wanted them to see her.
After mother left Dad she made no real attempt’s that I am aware of of getting off Welfare and having that life she claims to have always been deprived of.
Mother would walk in to the lounge when we were small children and address us saying, “Do you know why I am so fat?” in a demanding voice, and we would stare at her bewildered as our small minds were not able to deal with this question.
And then she would say, “Because of you I am fat. If I had not had you children I would still have a wonderful figure, I would still be pretty, and men would adore me.” that kind of statement, and I remember for many years feeling horribly guilty for being born just to torment my worthy mother by my birth and my selfish desire to life making my mother fat.
The child mind is easily convinced of being guilty and sad, and regrets things that the child never actually did or was possibly guilty of, but Mother made sure that we did feel guilty for the life that she claimed that she was forced to have, such as not being employable and so on.
This sort of imposed guilt stuck with my sisters and I for many years, and due to that guilt we felt deeply oblidged to ignore our own common sense and logic and to be loyal to Mother because as we saw her as a victim we also saw that we must look after her, protect her and help her.
When I was 18 years old my mother kicked me out of the family home citing claims of me doing something according to my older sisters claims – I don’t remember what it was, but it was invented to get rid of me.
Later on it was admitted that I was really kicked out because when mother had a party I would object about the drugs, especially white powder and such, and i would object about the sort of males chasing my sisters and who attended the parties, and in general to Mother I was just a pain to be rid of. So, I was removed and they partied up with all the young folk, drugs and so forth and I was sleeping in my girlfriends horse shed.
One of my sisters who lived in a flat with her boyfriend offered me a room, and I stayed there.
Even when I was kicked out I still felt an obligation and loyalty to Mother, because it had been drummed in to my head since I was a small child that she was honourable and a sacrificing good mother and that I was a cause of her suffering, a thorn in her side (instead of her being a thorn in my side).
See how, regardless of how Mother actually behaved and was even mean to me, I still felt guilt, loyal, and chased a desire to help and protect her – as I had since childhood been trained by her to do.
This way I was manipulated by my mother also set me up to be manipulated by my girlfriends and my wife.
I was told by a good friend that after 14 years of having contact with my wife that I didn’t really know her (her true character and who is really was), and now looking back I realise that this is in fact very true.
We make the unintentional mistake of seeing people as we desire to see them, or in some cases as we are groomed and trained to see them, and then for the rest of our lives we see people that way. And this can give people ways to manipulate us.
In mothers case and my ex-wife’s case I saw them both as the image my mother gave me of women, and both of them presenting themselves as something that neither of them actually was, but with constantly repeating it to me and themselves they believed in the fake image of themselves and so did I.
And regardless of how they behaved in the world (narcissistic etc) or what I saw them do, both they and I saw them as victims, worthy, suffering, and unfairly treated by life and so on. Even when this was far from the truth.
I have met career men and women who behave this way as well, always believing that it is always others fault for their lot, and using the excuse of hurting others and good reasons to get to the top to further their own careers.
It was when I found God in 2004 and discovered that we get what we deserve, and what we sow we reap, and what we do unto others comes back to us, and non-religious sayings and truths of the same caliber I discovered that there are many sad stories out there, but a lot of what happens to us is what we caused in many ways.
And this helped give me a better look at my own reality and not the reality imposed upon me that was invented by others for their own benefits, and I also saw my mother, father, wife and others more as we all get a lot in life that we actually deserve but if it is harsh we don’t want to admit it.
Many people realise that sympathy, being the pretend-victim, gets loyalty, attention, friends, money and dedication because in general (narcissists know that) people want to help people.
Some people realise that playing the victim is a useful tool to use and control people, and some use Flying Monkeys to get their way.
One of the best things that we can do for our own selves in life is to see ourselves as we truly are, see our faults, mistakes, foolishness, and then see the same in others, and then change our own lives for the better and also being aware of when we may be, being used and abused.
Living life with our eyes wide open and seeing what is going on as it really is, and not how it is presented to us or as we want the fairy-tale of life to be, we can make choices based on the truth, based on reality, and based of who we really want to be and the life we really want to have.
When we face the truth we stop living a lie, and we stop living other people’s lives and lies, and the result is happiness and Maturity, better choices etc.
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