I used to have a relationship with a woman’s who’s father was an alcoholic and bad father, but to her I never measured up to him. She always saw him as a far better person than I.
And so I discovered over the years that yes, we put our parents on pedestals sometimes, but often deep within, mainly probably because of ownership (“They are my parents” etc) we compare other people with our parents and we often choose the character of our own parents as better than others, even our spouse, and even if the spouse has far more character than the parents.
It has been said that we often choose people who are like our parents, such as a daughter will subconsciously choose men who are like her father. So if her father was a alcoholic (and now she hates alcoholism), she would go through many relationships with alcoholics or men who are weak, and the reason is probably due to familiarity and that type of man is all that’s he has known thus that’s the man she wants.
One of my books stated that a woman with a alcoholic father got in to a relationship with a man who didn’t drink alcohol, but years later he became an alcoholic. She had subconsciously seen his weaknesses and many that a alcoholic have (predicting future alcoholic behaviour and therefore familiarity).
What we are/were used to in our childhood is familiar and therefore can be comforting being with a person who seems familiar.
In other words humans tend to be drawn to people who are just like their own parents and have the same weaknesses and failings, but because we tend to admire our own parents we ignore these failings even though they are red-flags, and we welcome the failings because they are familiar to us and have always been in our parents.
A female child grows up in a gang environment, she is familiar with that scene, and having gang supporters and members as parents, as a young adult she seeks what she is familiar with even after witnessing her father beat her mother, her mother have affairs, and general toxic gang behaviour.
Her adult choice of a partner is very irrational, and her childhood has prepared her to avoid a gang member as a spouse, but the desire to support and back up her parents in ownership and that sense is familiar, she welcomes a gang member in to her life and bed.
also she will compare her spouse with her father, and if the spouse does not measure up she will more than likely dump him for another.
If the adult female or male is not conscious of their foolish decisions then he or she cannot see the red flags, warnings, and will even ignore the advice of people who want to help this person.
In fact narcissist parents can use this to manipulate their son or daughter away from someone by lying about the person that their adult child is interested in by lying about that person and even using the father as an example of a great man to a daughter, and stating that the male she is interested in simply does not measure up to her father’s character, even if the father is a bad person.
I know a woman who had a long relationship with a man. She hated her father and all that he father stood up for, but at one stage as a child she was the favourite of her father.
She would tell me on the phone and messages what a great man she was in a relationship with.
Then one day I met this man and I was shocked because he was exactly the same as her father, but not in appearance, but in practically all that he did. He even spoke like her father. Her father was an alcoholic, this man was. He father used bad language, was sarcastic, was mean, was a drug abuser, and all these things her father was.
But if you mentioned the similarities to her she refused to see it.
They finally separated, but she was with him a fair while. And even after they split up and went their separate ways she was still unable to see the connection between this man and her father, she just called the man she was with “a prick” and such.
If we want the real best for our young we need to arm them with the knowledge that they can subconsciously make choices that later on they will regret.
Side Note:
Some people choose a partner who drinks alcohol because the booze lowers their Protective Boundaries, Maturity and Common Sense.
If one partner was too strict (say in this case the husband) the wife would encourage that he drinks so that she can get away with things that she was unable to get away with if he were sober and of his own mature mind.
If your partner encourages that you drink alcohol or do recreational drugs (cannabis etc), or tries to increase how much you have, suspect that you are being setup.
While under the influence you can agree, do and act in certain ways, and your clever spouse can then use these against you when you are sober.
If you don’t drink alcohol and refuse to do so, if your spouse is weak then he or she will eventually leave you telling everyone that you are boring, when in fact your are very strong and your ex is very weak.
Its like they say, “the alcohol seduced her” and she was then unable to make mature common sense choices and once sober and very regretful about what she had done, those who got her drunk said, “Well, none of us forced you to do those things, and the alcohol just loosened you up so that you would enjoy yourself and you did!”
It is wise, more fun, and common sense to avoid anything that makes your mind accept and choose that you would never accept and choose while not under the influence.
If “the Influence” includes Peer Pressures, then avoid those people who use that method to seduce you.
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