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What Do You Deserve – Positive talk about what we deserve as a person in this modern society.
Cycles – The world of cycles. Recycling events.
Break The Cycle – End the cycles of unhappiness in your family.
How A Child Reacts To Pain – The affects of bad events on children and how they deal with it mentally.
The Phases – Your PPS and how it helps you develop into the new person you want to be.
The Guilt Doctor And Patient – How you can be seduced by the Guilt Doctor.
The Push Pull Effect – Push a person away and often they will come straight back into your arms.
Some Other Bad Habits – Tips and advice on other bad habits.
Violence And Why It Is Used – Understanding why people use violence as a punishment.
Negative, Positive And Arrogant Critics – How they do you harm and ways to get rid of them.
Who Did It – How to prove that you are not to blame for your lack of confidence.
The Love Smothers – The person who clings to their partner in love, smothering them with love.
The Victim –
Personal Sex Abuse –
This chapter faces some of the darker side of human nature. We look into children’s mental pain induced by others. We try to understand why it is that people are the way that they are and how they became that way. We start by looking briefly at the amazing world of Cycles and how they affect our lives. Toxic is really about the harmful ways that we have been treated as children and adults. I try to give answers to the problems covered in this chapter wherever I can.
This may come as a total surprise to you but some people really don’t believe that they deserve much at all, and most of these people have no idea that they feel this way.
This is a problem that religions have been trying to deal with for a long, long time. We all deserve a good and prosperous life here on Earth. But some people don’t believe that they deserve much at all, you may ask yourself “Why?”
Mostly the problem stems from these peoples upbringings, they were not told that they deserved much, or they were told that they were not worth anything at all, maybe they were not told much at all and mostly ignored. When a child is ignored by both or one parent the child gets a feeling that it is not important to the parents or the family system (or even to society). The child thinks “if I am worthy of my parents love then my parents would spend more time with me”. Remember that to a child its parents are the most important people in its life in those early years, even its brothers and sisters are not as important as child’s parents. To children their parents are the pillars that hold up their little fragile lives, their external strength, their protection, guidance, without that parental input the child wanders painfully through life, they struggle to understand the world around them and are easy victims of older people who prey on them.
If you think that you are not worth much, then you are sure to believe that you do not deserve much during your lifetime. The constant battle in a child’s ears during its lifetime helps the child create this false identity of itself and it probably has no idea simply because the child figures that it has had a normal upbringing so what could be wrong? I thought that I had a normal (a bit strange, but normal) life as a child, until I found out otherwise. It took many years for me to realise this, but once I did many things that bothered me were explained away by events that happened in my childhood. I spent most of my adult years thinking only of the good times that I had as a child growing up, I forgot abut the bad times, mainly because they were too painful to remember. So I hid the bad times from myself and pretended that I had a normal upbringing.
This unhappy child wouldn’t have been taught about aiming to complete goals or how to live for their future. We all need goals and we all need to feel that we belong to the future of humanity, parents (and the schooling systems) need to let children know what they are capable of and how they can achieve it, at the least they can set the child on the right path to a life of self-worth.
A child would also have a low opinion of themself if they are constantly beaten by their parents, guardians or care givers. The child would assume, as all young children do, that their parents are always right and know what is best, so if the child is physically abused by the parent then the child assumes that it did something wrong even if it didn’t. Some parents beat their children for fun, or out of meanness, but the child is too young and innocent to believe that this is possible, so it thinks that it has done something wrong and therefore deserves the beating that it is getting. This explains why many children do not report being beaten to authorities. Some children are much too scared to complain about this bad treatment, but many naturally trust the instinct of the parent or elder person and the child blames itself for any wrongdoing. This confuses the child because a child needs to know why it is being punished or hurt, the child feels lost and has hurt feelings wondering what it has done wrong.
You may find that during your life you think other people deserve the good life because you have sinned (This would depend greatly on what you define a sin as) or have done bad things. You may say “Look at all the bad things that I have done, why should I get anything?”
You may also always be the last one to get anything in your family and, at every opportunity you put yourself last, you pretend that you are doing the honourable thing, but you put yourself last because you don’t think you deserve much in life. You may feel that you have failed your family or yourself so you think that you don’t deserve anything.
Your family will never respect you if you don’t give the impression that you respect yourself.
We all have done bad, every one of us. Even the most respected people on the Earth have. We make mistakes and sometimes we act in meanness. These are all normal human activities and all we need to know and do is correct them and learn to control ourselves better, be more organised with our thoughts and emotions, use them at the right time and not overuse them.
The religious cure for this problem is for you to believe that God will forgive you for whatever sins you have previously done, and from that day onwards you are trying to lead a better life. All you have to do is pray for forgiveness and ask for divine guidance. You must have total faith in Gods guidance.
What I am trying to say to you is to put aside the past mistakes that you have made. It is now time to turn over a new leaf and try again. Learn from those mistakes that you made in the past, don’t dwell on them, just consider them as lessons that you are able to use to your advantage for the future. Forgive yourself and work at being a better person. It takes time to change ones way of thinking, it takes time to organise your thoughts, so don’t punish yourself while you are trying. Just keep trying and you will get what you want. And have faith.
All that ever was and ever is, seems to be created with some connection with a cycle of some sort.
It is clear once it is looked into that the whole of existence, at least in this universe, has a great connection with cycles. Events which continue repetitively or return to us are said to be cycles. You could possibly call these cycles loops or something like that, but for this book we will call them cycles. The act of life is a cycle. Lets look at the act of life to get some idea of a cycle. What I called the act of life, is really known to us as a life cycle or ‘The Life Cycle’. You can do research on the life cycle of a frog or the life cycle of a butterfly to find out more about that type of creature. The life cycle of a living thing are the normal events that start at that living things conception and continues onward to its death. But always continuing with the new life cycle that comes from the new life started from the previous life cycle (The parent having an infant of some sort). Humans have a life cycle as well.
Another cycle is the bird walking on the ground and eating some food and then afterwards the bird flies away after having its fill of food. The eaten food goes through the birds body system and the bird later drops its unwanted waste back to the ground, this becomes fertiliser which helps some more food to grow and this completes a cycle. And on it goes, this cycle is repeated for as long as birds exist and the same goes for all the cycles that exist for all the animals on this planet and humans as well.
Have you noticed that the planets move in cycles. They have a set pattern. The orbit of a planet is called its cycle, this is the planets orbit around the Sun. You could even say that the planets loop around the sun.
All that ever was and ever is, seems to be created with some connection with a cycle of some sort. In fact all life has a Life Cycle.
What does this mean to us? I think we will find that if we look more carefully into life around us that we can learn much more about life by acknowledging the cycles that do exist.
How could a cycle help us? Well if we know the travel of a cycle, its direction of travel and the path it takes then we will have some idea when the cycle will cause “it” (whatever “it” is) to come back.
A cycle is a thing going in a direction away from another thing and then coming back to the other thing in some manner, and for a period of time. This cycle could be seen by you and I in a mental manner with thought or it could actually be a physical cycle. Most cycles will travel within a period of time which is a constant. This means that the time referred to is a constant period of time, like the Life Cycle of a certain animal. The Life Cycle could be shortened because of some misfortunate event (death), and in some situations it cannot be lengthened. So a beaver would have a Life Cycle of a ‘so-many-years’ but that beaver could die at the halfway point of its period-of-years so this beaver will not complete its Life Cycle. But it is clear that we cannot lengthen the beavers so-many-years (Life Cycle) which God has allotted to it.
A planets cycle around the sun could have a travel of so-many-years. But if the planet was blown to smithereens one day then its orbit (cycle) would be cut short prematurely.
What good is this information to us? This information may be able to help us ‘see’ the future or at least give us a good idea about what could possibly happen in the future.
You may accidentally cause some cycle of events to happen in your life that you don’t want to happen. If you recognise this cycle of events then you can make some changes to stop the continuation of the cycle. You can also ‘predict’ what may happen from following the events of the cycle. But if you had no thoughts of the cycle of events ever happening then you have no way of reacting to stop the cycle of events from avalanching onwards.
Many cycles are very predictable such as the orbiting of a planet around the sun. You should have no real trouble following the planets path due to it having orbited in the same manner in the past over and over again. So it is very predictable and some may even say reliable due to its constant travel in the same direction repetitively. Some could even call this “seeing into the future” due to our ability to “know” what path the planet will take and how long it will take the planet to travel along its orbit.
Like planets, humans have paths. We also have our very own life cycle. We also have the ability to create, during our lives, events that can recycle themselves and keep coming back until we have come head-to-head with the event in question and stopped the cycle in its tracks.
There are Bad Cycles and there are Good Cycles as well. We must be sure as we go through our life and existence to keep to the Good Cycles (of which we can have many). We must also try to create Good Cycles and remove Bad Cycles from our lives.
Things my parents did when I was a child became embedded inside my brain and I thought (since they were my closest examples) that this was the way I was to behave, as a parent, father and individual.
How you can break the continuous cycle that has a negative effect on your life? You, like most people, will have heard of the term Break The Cycle. After much thought I feel that Cycles are a major part of the human life, more than we possibly know. Here are some of my thoughts on this subject along with some reasoning and explanations on how I dealt with this subject in my life.
People have what we can call Mental Cycles. These could be called Mental Cycles Of Thought. Negative versions could be called Negative Mental Cycle Of Thought (NMCOT). If you are troubled by a NMCOT then you would want to:
Know that it exists.
Want to understand it.
Find out how it first started.
Know how long it has been affecting your life.
Want to learn how you can stop it.
Hopefully find a way to change it to a Positive Mental Cycle Of Thought (PMCOT).
You should be able to see that negative and positive Mental Cycles Of Thought can be easily transferred into a physical truth, an actual entity of existence. All thought has the ability to become a real physical thing if the right energy is put behind the thought to bring it into actual reality. Whether this energy is positive or negative the thought can still become a reality. You can understand why it is important that we remove NMCOT’s (pronounced as “Nimcots”) from our lives.
What I did was look very closely at the image I had of my father and mother in my mind and looked at the negative things that they did, and to my amazement I found that I was copying many things off them. I was recycling their bad habits. It was also clear that my own children were going to pick up these same bad habits from me. As it has been stated by other authors ‘habits can be passed down from parent to child’.
It may take a while for you to associate bad habits that you have with bad habits that your parents had or still have. If you have a relative or family friend who you can trust and who knew your father and mother when you were growing up, you can ask that person to help you as they will remember many habits that your parents may have had back then but not now. A sad fact with this type of research is that many parents are offended when you attempt to find out if you copied any of their bad habits. If your parent looks deeply and honestly at themselves many of them will find that they got many of their bad habits off their parents as well, so it was passed down from parents to children and so on… Some parents can get very angry, some threaten to disown their children when they are asked questions about this subject, so be careful. I mention this so you will be cautious and think carefully before mentioning this type of research to your parents and other family members. I never mentioned it to my parents at all.
Things my parents did when I was a child became embedded inside my brain and I thought (since they were my closest examples) that this was the way I was to behave, as a parent, father and individual. Some were bad habits, even bad views of life and parenting. These bad habits grow up with you and stick, often, like glue to your soul. I am not taking this as an opportunity to put my parents down or to put your parents down. But some of our parents suffered the same negative effects from their parents and with most of us it’s the Monkey See, Monkey Do act and what we are trying to do is Break The Continuing Revolving Negative Cycle.
My father was not (in my opinion) a good example to copy and learn from. I felt very confused as a child and would have done a lot to get male support from my father. Dads support wasn’t often there so I (like many males of my era) had to make do and stumble through life hoping that one day I would figure out what it meant to be a man, father and husband, often I failed in each task. So I decided to concentrate on the things that I didn’t like about my father and remove those items from my own life. This was not easy and some things took a long time to change they were well imbedded into the current me. Dad had many bad habits and it was often a big struggle for me, but I believe that after all the hard work and struggle I succeeded.
I told my family the things that my parents did and I asked my family if I did things that my father and mother did. The reason that I did this was that I knew that some things are harder to notice from the inside (from inside me) and outsiders (my family – people out of me) were able to see and help me. In some families this may not work, if you have a partner that often points out your mistakes and faults then it would be better not to ask that person as they will probably make you feel bad and unhappy and that is the opposite thing that we want to happen to you.
Before getting help in any mental correction program from family and friends think carefully about who you would have help you. Do not ask a good friend because you like that person or family member. Instead go for previous experience with your family and friends and choose wisely. When you are dealing with your privacy and mental well being you must be careful. Especially if you are deeply troubled and need a solid friendly backup to help get you over those hard times. If you make the wrong choice it could set you back for a long time due to hurt, lack of confidence and other reasons. So be careful and use good common sense when making these types of choices.
I actually made a very deep conscious effort to not copy my father’s bad habits because he was my male role model, it was a hard non-stop effort but the rewards are great and your family will really appreciate your efforts. So every time I caught myself doing something negative that my father did I said to myself “This is what my father did, I will not do it as well” or “This is what Dad did and I will not do it as well, it’s bad.” This constant, non stop treatment has worked wonders for me and my life, I didn’t need professional therapy to do this, just hard work and a strong will to not do the bad things that my father did. I wanted my children to love me and respect me, not dislike and cower from me.
One of my motivators was the way people reacted towards my father. I had noticed that people reacted in different ways towards my father. I heard about what people said about my father and I thought I don’t want people to see me as he (currently) is. I wanted to be different. But mostly I wanted my children to love me and want to be with me. I was not often inspired to be with my father due to his bad habits which were a major part of his life. Children were not an interest to my father while my sisters and I were growing up. Dad was very much in the background through our growing years. And even if he was in the foreground he did not take part in our lives in any positive manner.
I thought about the things that both my father and mother did that:
Made me sad.
Hurt my feelings.
Were unjust to my sisters and I.
Gave me physical or mental pain.
Made me angry at them.
Unfair treatment.
Many different forms of abuse.
Smoking cigarettes.
I know of a teenage girl who, when she doesn’t get what she wants, picks up dishes and smashes them on the floor. I found out that this was what her mother did as well, so the daughter had her mother as a role model and was copying her. The world is filled with many such cases.
If you are a parent then you know that it is often a good thing to be firm with your children where discipline is concerned. I am asking you to be firm with yourself to get the results that you want.
Some people may have to go to therapy classes to do this, I suppose it depends on the person and what kind of upbringing that they had. Sometimes the pain of our lives as children is so sad and unhappy that we need somebody else to help us as we try to repair the damage done while we were young.
The same applies for the way some people treat their partners. We have all heard people say at some time in our lives “She drinks just like her mother did.” or “His father was an alcoholic as well.”
Sit down and think very carefully about the way you treat your partner and children (if you have any). If you are unconsciously copying your parents bad habits, it is not your fault, so don’t let anyone try to tell you that you are to blame for this bad behaviour. It is your fault if you realise what you are doing wrong and then don’t make any effort to correct yourself of these wrongs. The secret is to notice that you are doing some things wrong and then finding ways to stop yourself. You may have to have therapy, go to AA or the like.
Bad habits to look out for are:
Yelling often.
Often feeling guilty.
Losing your temper for no apparent reason or over small things.
Are you an alcoholic?
Do you take drugs and did either of your parents?
Hitting your partner.
Hitting your children.
Child abuse.
Breaking things when you are frustrated.
Verbally picking at your partner or children and thinking it is funny, most of the time you are the only one who is laughing. Are other members of your family laughing out of fear?
A persons mind has a protective system and this is used when the child has faced something negative or frightening.
Even though a child may be small, the child’s brain has the ability to view and see what is happening around it and what happens to the child itself. A happy moment for a child is a moment of delight to a child or baby. When a child is mistreated its little mind tries to react to each and every bad thing that happens to it. If a child is in a happy constructive family it will react to that environment in an easier and smoother manner. If the child is in an unhappy negative family then the child’s mind will react to that environment.
As the child grows its mind records good and bad events. If you are in your later years and you cannot remember anything that happened when you were under five years old, don’t despair – your mind has it all recorded. Your entire life is recorded this way.
A persons mind has a protective system and this is used when the child has faced something negative or frightening, shyness and timidness could be a result of this. If the child has been abused in some way when it was small and the protective part of the child’s mind creates shyness to keep the child away from people. It could be assumed that this ‘protective feature’ (shyness, timidness etc.) would leave the child when the child grew into and adult or teenager, this would mean that they are now able to protect themselves from whatever harmed the child when it was young. A person needs to be confident and strong mentally before he or she can remember these negative childhood events.
A child’s mind can also protect itself from deep pain or terror. If a child is attacked physically or mentally to the extent that it can cause mental damage or just deep terror, the child’s mind creates a mental block of the entire event. Some time afterwards the child has no idea what happened. This is to protect the child from the grief and sorrow of the event, and to keep the child’s mental stability intact.
This is much the same as an adult who has a car accident or a terrible event happens to that person and he or she cannot remember what happened, sometimes days, weeks or years after the event the adult slowly remembers bits of the event or the entire event at once.
This is why some people remember bad events from their childhood after they have grown up and are stronger mentally.
Regaining Bad Memories Of The Past
As we grow stronger we go through many phases of development, these phases grow in intensity as we progress. We may have to go through some of the negative events that happened as we grew up, events that have been swallowed up with time or have been stored away until we are mentally strong enough to deal with them. Some would say that these events have been suppressed, or call the hiding of these memories as ‘suppression’ (or repression). This growth (and the recalling of these old memories) can happen over a long period of time and we mustn’t be impatient with slow improvement, as long as we are working toward personal improvement then we will achieve this goal. The goal of recalling past events which we have suppressed over time.
People often state that these memories are hidden deeply in our subconscious minds. Some think that they cannot be recalled ever, some people think otherwise.
Many, if not all, of the events that appear (reappear from the past) during these phases of personal growth, are events that had a big impact on who you are today. As your mental strength improves you will find that you will remember instances from your past that you either forgot or did not even think happened, some of these events can be sad and some could have been a personal tragedy for you. Some may be very traumatic and painful, some not so bad at all and may even be happy moments.
The events that you will remember will come in phases. The first phase will be many small events that you had forgotten, some were bad and hopefully some will be good. Your Personal Mental Improvement (PMI) will improve with each phase. The next phase will have fewer remembrances but the events may be harder for you to deal with, but when they come you should be ready to deal with them. Then more phases (collections of past memories) could come depending on what your childhood was like and probably how old you are and what’s happened during your lifetime.
Many people cannot deal with these events before they read this book. This is because we need to be mentally able to cope with these past memories when they come, because there was a time when we were not able to deal with the events when they happened back in our past. If we were to remember the personal tragedies of our life all at once we would probably “flip our lid” with the shock and stress of it all. So if you discover that you are remembering some instances of your childhood as you progress through this book, don’t be alarmed or surprised. This is something that you have to go through to become the person who you really are.
The phases will show you the hidden (blocked from your consciousness) events that changed you to who you are today. If these events that you remember are tragic or very painful they would have been “blocked” out and held in a mental database waiting for you to progress and then they could be released when the time was right. Your mind is not going to release these events when you are not mentally ready, if it did then it would probably be mental suicide or could drive a person to suicide. We call this our Personal Protection System (PPS), everyone has this function. We should all be very thankful for our PPS because it helps keep our sanity, without PPS many people would be mental asylums who shouldn’t be there.
If a parent or adult abused a child in the physical sense then the child’s PPS may block out the event or many events that were attached to the event, and the child will continue to go through life and eventually become an adult. The next step will be for the child, who is now a young adult to get married, then have children. This young adult may find that he or she is very possessive and over protective towards his or her children, this new parent may even act in unacceptable behaviour towards their marriage partner and children without ever knowing why or that it is only reacting in response to the way that he or she was treated as a child. This adult would also think personally that this was ‘just the way that they are’ and learn to (or try to) accept his or her strange or obsessive behaviour.
The only other way that this person will find out why he or she acts the way that they do is to either be hypnotized (sometimes this just does not work), which means that they will be told of any traumatic events in the persons life (if the hypnotist happens to hit the jackpot and finds any traumatic events) after they are woken up but will still find it hard to believe and may even strongly deny the event ever happened. In other words the event appears to the hypnotized person as something like a fairy tale or a story that has been read to them, but definitely not an event that happened to them during their lifetime. As you can imagine this is not the best step to take. Also imagine the work load of the hypnotist going around the world trying to find these events from peoples memories. It is not practical at all and it does not help the person anyway. More than likely this would add to the trauma of the person and affect them in a much deeper way.
The other way is to go through the phases of PMI. This is the positive approach.
As you progress and become a stronger person you will notice over time that many things will happen as they did before, there will be repetitions of events that you didn’t handle well in the past. When these events repeat themselves you will find that you will handle them better and this is a sign (to you) that you are becoming a stronger person.
Example: You may have yelled at somebody in the past for breaking a plate when they dried the dishes. This event will reoccur (as things do) but this time you will react differently, you will calmly ask that person to clean up the mess making sure that all the sharp pieces of plate are cleaned up and put away in the rubbish bin.
When these events reoccur you should notice that you have reacted differently, more positively, and you will feel better about yourself because of the way you treated the situation and in some cases you will remember the way you used to react and you will be amazed that you used to react the way that you did. But you will be very pleased with the plain and clear evidence that you are obviously a better person and you will know that, with time, you will become even more happier with the new you. This will bring on a new confidence and a feeling of growing inner strength which will continue to grow and serve you for the rest of your life. You will find that when you are under stress that you will handle the situation calmly and with common sense devoid of panic. It is an ongoing process that grows as you grow inwardly, as long as you keep at it, your belief in yourself will grow in proportion. You become a more ‘developed’ person.
Of course if you handle these repetitive events the same way that you used to handle them in the past then you will not have learnt how to deal with that particular situation yet. You would be wise to try to react differently to situations that gave you a feeling of disappointment because of the way you handled those situations in the past. Try to make a conscious effort to look out for these situations, when they appear try to react differently and more positively. Remember to be who you want to be you have to be able to deal with life’s situations with reasonable ease and maturity. If you are not who you want to be then you must change the way you have been for a happier, more mature, positive person.
And remember that your Personal Protection System (PPS) is there to help you. As you get mentally stronger you could recall negative events from your past. Be prepared for that. The memories may not be nice but they are recalled because they have to be recalled to help you with your personal development as a person. Once you realise what you have been through you will appreciate why you acted the way you did in the past, but you will be a stronger, more assured individual for the effort. Never be desperate to find the answers of your past. They will come when they are ready, when you are strong enough mentally to recall them. When I state that you will be strong enough to recall old harsh memories, this does not mean that you will not feel pain, anguish, fear and will not cry. Any of those feelings may come forward, you have to accept that as part of what happened.
For some people the biggest pain may have been a parent that was not around or who didn’t show their love to you as a child. Every child that was ever born needed the love of its mother and father, if either of these parents was not available or were not giving a good effort into the relationship between parent and child then there will undoubtedly be some missed love there in the child’s heart. This is not the fault of the child, and also may not be the fault of the parent. The parent may have suffered in many different ways as a child and either cannot remember them or refuses to talk about them. The best thing for you to do is accept what happened and move on. Try not to emotionally ‘drag’ things of the past on and on. This does nobody any good and all you do is re-suffer the pain. There is a time for remembering, learning, and then moving on. Your life is an experience in which you have many wonderful opportunities to enjoy with many wonderful people, lets try to keep our future positive and let our past go. The past is over now, a memory, and many lessons to help guide us in the future.
Some people have learnt how to create and feed guilt to a person, to the extent that
it can have very severe negative affects on that persons life.
We tend to suffer from guilt when we feel that we have accidentally, mistakenly or deliberately done something wrong to other people. Especially to someone that we love. Guilt is a natural emotion. We need to feel guilty so that we know that we have done wrong. I am sad to say that some people have learnt how to create and feed guilt to a person, to the extent that it can have very severe negative affects on that persons life. The damage can last a persons entire lifetime unless something is done about it. The person who creates the guilty feeling (we will call this person “The Guilt Doctor”) in you may feel unconfident or be scared that you will leave him or her and ‘have your own life’ so he or she can continuously feed guilt at you to keep the game up. This person may also do nice things for you to help cover the guilt act.
If you have been mistreated in this manner then you were more than likely first given these feelings as a child so probably would think that it is normal behaviour and not even realise that you are being badly treated. You don’t like feeling guilty often but you will put up with this feeling because it comes from someone who says that they love you, and you love and trust that person as well. So therefore you have no reason to doubt this persons love and goodwill towards you, especially when you are young and mentally vulnerable.
The Guilt Feeling is often fed to a child when the child is young. A parent, care giver, brother, sister, family friend or relation, for various reasons, makes the child feel guilty when the child is at a tender age and easily influenced. At this tender age the child is also very keen to please the adults that are in the child’s life, and will put up with many inconveniences to be seen in the adults eyes in a positive manner. Children are unprotected against ill intentions from adults, and very few children will pick up that he or she is actually being mentally abused at these young ages. Of course this in turn creates a lifetime of guilt for the child. Sound crazy, well it is.
Do you find as an adult or teenager that you get guilty feelings when you deal with family members? Do you get guilty feelings when you deal with your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife? Remember that sometimes guilty feelings are natural and are a reaction to something that you have genuinely done wrong.
The guilty feelings that I mention above are not normal feelings that a person should have, they are deep set and the person infected finds the guilt to be overwhelming to the extent that it nearly (or does) control their life.
I will use a mother as the Guilt Doctor in these examples, the Guilt Doctor could be anyone though.
You may be talking to your mother and she suggests that you do something with her that day, but you already have plans to do something else and you tell her so, then she lays on the guilt. It is done very carefully, she may:
Cry or sob uncontrollably. Maybe shed a few tears.
Get angry at you. Make accusations. Call you unreliable.
One minute she attacks, the next she is nice or sad.
Tell you that she needs you because you are so special in her life.
Act very insecure (which she probably really is).
Becomes frantic when you say no.
Doesn’t like your friends and often says bad things about them.
Doesn’t like your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend.
Tell you that you are deserting her when she needs you most.
Inject a few, well placed words into the conversation that slowly get you to see her way, words that have worked before to great effect to win you over.
Get other family members to ‘rally’ to her aid and they call you in an effort to get you to help her. Other family members may even verbally abuse you for not helping your own dear mother.
But it does have the desired affect and you find that you are overcome with guilt and you go to great embarrassment to cancel your appointment to be with your mother. Any embarrassment is better than having guilt ruin your day while you are elsewhere. You know that you will worry about your mother and feel miserable because you didn’t help her. In other words, you won’t be happy unless you do as she wants, and in most cases she knows it.
What is worse is that other people who know you such as your husband, wife or children can (unwillingly or not) detect the way that you react to guilt as they get to know you more, and they may use it against you to get what they want out of you. So you are set up for life to be an unwilling pawn for other people. You know deep inside that something is wrong but you find that it is hard to pin-point, but you struggle on trying to keep everyone happy and you feel that your life is not very important and you never really get to do the things that you want to do.
If you want to help people then you must do it with your heart and not because of false guilt feelings. We must all help one another without wanting something in return which ensures us that we are doing it for the right reasons. And we must help people because it is what we want to do and not because of any guilt or bad feelings that we may have.
How can we deal with people who infect us with guilt feelings? First you need to sort yourself out and make sure that you have your feelings in order. You need to have more confidence in yourself so that when a conflict comes (and it more than likely will) you will be able to deal with it. When you decide to change the way that you react to peoples guilt injections you may find that their reaction will not be good, in fact some people may get very upset.
If you talk to your mother (probably face to face) you will need to tell her that you will not allow her to inject you with guilt feelings from this date onwards, explain that you have your own life now and that she cannot control you or your life in this unhealthy way. Let her know that you are willing to enjoy life with her as a daughter or son but in a fair relationship where you are her equal. If you are busy doing something else then your mother can call on somebody else to help her. She must agree to your terms, and as long as your terms are truly fair then you have no guilt and nothing to worry about. Pray for guidance when dealing with tense family issues like this, it is just what you need at this time when you may be feeling alone in this fight for your freedom from constant guilt.
If your mother says to you that such-and-such will happen because of what you have said to her then you must realise that anything she does after you have spoken to her is Up To Her which means she is at fault for anything she does. You are Not To Blame for her reactions. In other words you Will Not Have Guilt for anything that she does to herself or anyone else, those are truly her decisions and not yours.
I remember reading of one lady who used to put her hand on her chest and collapse on a chair in front of her small daughter whenever her daughter argued with her. The daughter was terrified that she would cause her mother to have a heart attack so she gave in to all her mothers wishes. Even when this daughter was older she continued to give in to her mothers demands.
How a person reacts to anything you say or do to that person is their own business (even if that person is a close relative) and you cannot take the blame for that persons behavior. By trying to make you feel guilty or to take the blame then they are trying desperately to keep the old guilt system going when it looks like you may get away from her and live your own life. Many Guilt Doctors will deny any bad behavior and they will attempt to soften the situation (in the Guilt Doctors favour) by mentioning all the good things that they have done for you over the years and that it appears that you are being ungrateful.
Believe it or not but some parents may even have some sort of (real or not) physical attack and end up in hospital which will give you an incredible guilt feeling. Who wants to be the blame for mother or father being in hospital or nearly dying? I know I don’t and I bet you don’t either. She may tell other people in your family what happened and how you treated her and they may get you aside and make you feel even more guilty by blaming you for putting her in hospital. Try to remember that your other family members may also be under her ‘control’ by years of guilt treatment and you will be going against the flow of the family system, this makes you an enemy (even if they love you). You have to be tough to deal with this situation. If the Guilt Doctor (the person injecting you with guilt) does go overboard and overreacts then it is probably time for you to get professional help like a therapist.
Don’t feel that you are weak, taking on a Guilt Doctor is not an easy task and remember that the Guilt Doctor has been injecting people with this guilt for a long, long time and the habit would be hard for the Guilt Doctor to break. I suggest that, for a while (maybe many months) that you keep away from the Guilt Doctor and get used to not having that person influence your life. Get out of the Guilt Doctors control, this means not communicating with that person for the entire period that you are away. You may feel at first as if something is missing from your life, but the thing that is missing is a bad habit, the habit of being a pawn for the Guilt Doctor.
Your arguments against being away could be:
My mother is old and she needs me to run around for her.
She has already had a heart attack, I could be the blame for her next one.
She may die if I am not there to help her.
Where would mother be without me to help her? (Even though you have a family to care for).
I love her and feel needed when I am with her.
If you look closely and honestly at the list above you will see that they are all part of the guilt feeling. If your concern about the Guilt Doctor is so strong that you feel that you cannot get away (The Guilt Doctor will try to stop you) try and find somebody else to look after the Guilt Doctor. Normally somebody else in the family can do this task without much trouble, but convincing this person to do it is another matter. You need to make the choice and stick with it, don’t turn back to the past – it is gone and you are free to do as you choose.
And remember that your mother got herself into the position that she is in today and now is the time for her to take responsibility for her actions and her life.
You may find that your husband or wife does not approve of you not having anything to do with your mother, this could be because they have already ‘caught on’ to the guilt affect and they want you to stay the way that you are, a pawn for everyone to use as they desire.
When you have been away from the Guilt Doctor (maybe on a holiday – fresh air, new places, new thoughts, etc) think about what it was like to be a Guilt Doctors victim and how it made a difference to your life. Now it is time to make some decisions, you need to work out where you want to go from here.
Do you:
Want to go back to being a pawn for the Guilt Doctor?
Want to be rid of the Guilt Doctor for life?
Now you must be strong enough to never be injected with guilt from anyone forevermore?
Some people who belong to public groups can be Guilt Doctors. These are normally people who are in charge of people. Guilt treatment can be used to get people to come to church or turn up for events at a school. I have seen headmasters at schools use guilt treatment to try to get parents to turn up to see their children at school during functions. An insurance salesperson can use guilt to try to get you to buy insurance. Be aware that public professionals can use guilt treatment to gain something. No matter who is a Guilt Doctor, that persons works are dishonest and dangerous.
When a person physically pushes another person away from him or her, you will most often find that the pushed person will push back automatically without thinking. We humans tend to naturally react to being pushed in this way. We also do this mentally. The Push Pull Effect is like that. When a child is small he or she may have a parent or other relation who spends lots of time with that child. This person can, deliberately or not, push the child’s love and affection away by being evasive or occasionally (or even constantly) telling the child to go away from them. They push you away and you rebound back to them, or they push you away and you find that you are pulled back to them – the Push Pull Effect.
Later on when that child has grown up he or she finds that they are attached (with invisible strings) to that person who used the Push Pull Effect on them, they find it hard to break away from that person.
Do you find that you want to ring a person or parent up all the time, yet you can’t really figure out why?
Do you find that you follow a person or parent around when he or she visits you? This person may walk into another room while you are talking to her and you find that you unconsciously follow her and keep talking, yet she don’t do the same to you (she doesn’t follow you around the house). This is an example of the pull that a person can have on you. You are held by invisible strings. You will also often ‘go out of your way’ to impress the other person or try to be loved (or liked) by that person. Sometimes you may wonder why you go to great extents to help this person or impress him or her.
Example: The person doing the pushing for this example will be your mother, but it could be anyone else. We use the mother as an example only. I am certainly not trying to imply that your mother would do such a thing to you.
To keep you ‘hooked’ to you your mother may ring if you haven’t seen her for a few days, or email, or write to keep in touch constantly, to keep you hooked on the invisible fishing line. During our lives we meet people and we leave people behind as our life changes, but some people seem to always turn up often but we don’t really know why we are associating with them.
A victim of the Push Pull Effect would have trouble finishing a relationship and their ex-partner will keep turning up to visit them and they cannot understand why it is that they cannot get rid of the ex-partner or turn the ex-partner away. The ex-partner either enjoys this situation or feels that he or she needs you for some reason and they don’t want to be totally separate from you.
You will need to break the invisible line that keeps pulling you back to that person, we must all be able to go through life having the friends and people we like with us because we like them honestly, not because we are subconsciously forced to like them.
If a child is pushed away by its mother, as the child grows up the mother will continue this infective Push Pull Effect treatment on the child. The mother will not stop doing this until the child finds a way to stop being treated like this and that is normally when the child has grown up. I fear that in most cases the Push Pull Effect goes on for a persons complete lifetime. This problem can be hard to detect and when it is detected it is hard for the victim to believe that he or she has been “used” in this way by somebody that he or she loves.
A child wants to be loved by its parents. If a parent physically or mentally abuses a child then that child can feel a desperate want to look good in that parents eyes so the child goes to great extents to please the parent. The parent can say bad things to the child and the child will mentally talk to himself saying that “she is only joking” and “she really loves me” while all the while the child knows deep down inside that he is being abused. But this child will keep the Push-Pull action going because it keeps a connection between the child and parent, to this child any connection is worth having even if the connection is constantly painful and embarrassing.
I remember a lady in her thirties who would let her mother verbally abuse her at every opportunity that her mother got. Her mother was bossy, hardly ever said thank you or please and used bad language when she demanded something was to be done by her daughter. The mother wasn’t like this 100 % of the time but she clearly had no trouble treating her child this way when she wanted to. This mother would also verbally abuse her other children and her grandchildren. I asked the daughter “Why do you let your mother talk to you the way that she does, and also speak to your children like that?” She said that “It was just the way that her mother was” and she seemed to accept the way that she was treated because it was the best that she was ever going to get out of her mother. I then asked why she visited her mother if she was so rough on her and her children and she said “I love my mother and I know that my mother loves me even though she treats me the way that she does.” You can see that this is a case of a parent abusing a child and the child willingly interacting with that parent and allowing the abuse to continue while also including her children who are going to grow up being abused in this manner.
The best cure would be a separation from the pusher until you feel confident enough to see the pusher again, if you want to see them again that is. Once you recognise the Push Pull Effect in your life then you can consider your options. It is easier to break this type of bad relationship once you know that it exists. I have seen the Push Pull Effect in action on many occasions and it is always sad to note that the person being pulled has no idea what is happening to them.
The Push Pull Effect is a lot like the Guilt Doctor technique and the two can work together easily, totally confusing the person who is the victim.
The main idea by keeping away from the Guilt Doctor or somebody using the Push-Pull Effect is to give you some time to enjoy your life. Think of your future options. Think of what you want your life to be and make plans for the future which may or may not include the person you are currently avoiding. Also think of how that person has treated your new family and what changes you are going make.
We humans need to convince ourselves that we are all, in general, good to some degree.
Violence as a punishment is used simply because it works in a way that often gets fast results. By stating this I am not in any way agreeing with violence, what I am saying is that people find that violence will solve their problems in a fast manner. But the big downside is that somebody gets physically and mentally hurt and there is always a good possibility of a violent rebound that will come back and smack you in the face sometime in the future.
Some people have found that violence is easier and faster than other forms of punishment and correction, a slap on the ears gets a quicker response than a ten minute talk to explain what you want. When people are short of time they find that yelling or hitting will get fast results. If an adult wants a child to do something the easiest way to enforce it is to use violence, a smack on the child’s backside (or wherever) will force the child to do as it was told to do. If the wife doesn’t behave then a slap on the ears could be used. The result of all this violence is a huge lack of respect. Nobody respects anyone who hits them. Some people fool themselves into believing that they are respected because they are bigger, tougher, stronger or meaner.
Have you ever seen somebody hit someone (for their own good they may say) and the someone (the receiver of this violence) looks back at the hitter with contempt, bitterness, anger or hatred? The hitter seems to believe that he or she has done something right and that they have solved a problem with this method of punishment. This is far from the truth. History shows us that many smaller or weaker people have eventually risen up and used violence to stop themselves from being abused.
Mostly we humans are not bad people, we sometimes do bad things and our conscience assumes that we are bad often. The more bad things we do, the more we are convinced that we are generally a bad person. Our memory then collects bad events that we were a part of and we end up with a stack of bad things that we have done. Many people, when trying to change their ways, find that they try to believe that they are good. It can be a struggle when bad memories keep resurfacing and when this happens our conscience tells us that it was a bad thing that we did and we therefore assume that we are bad, and we had might as well stay bad because it is obviously what we know. These people tend to give up the battle at the beginning stages of the fight.
We humans need to convince ourselves that we are all, in general, good to some degree. It is each and every one of us that creates the amount of good in ourselves. Everyone can change their ways from bad to good, but we have to be patient and willing to keep the fight up. If you feel that you are a good person, but you have made some mistakes that look bad, you need to focus on what you do that is good and improve on it, day by day.
Many people fight off the bad way that they live by finding something to live for. Some people find that having a child can change their life. Some people change their behavior when they buy a company and realise that they must behave because of the new position that they are in.
Change can be a hard thing to welcome, mainly due to it being comfortable at present so why change anything? Even if the lifestyle that we are used to is not good for us or our family. This feeling of being comfortable, and yet dissatisfied with our lives, needs to be changed.
We have a Positive Voice who makes statements like these to us, in our minds:
I am happy with that effort.
I’m so happy.
I love my job.
I am a valuable family member.
Dad was right, I am smart.
God is at my side so how can I fail!
The future looks good.
I love my family.
It’s been a good day.
I love my work.
Nothing can stop me being happy.
I can do it if I really try, I know I can.
I am equal to anyone else on this planet, so anything they can do I can do – with the help of God.
As you can see from the list above our Positive Voice helps us along with happy positive statements, these are the statements that make us feel good about ourselves. Our Positive Voice likes to make statements when things are going good.
From what I have read and discovered we all have a Negative Critic which has a tendency to cause harm when a person is feeling guilty or unhappy with themselves. This Negative Critic appears to be a part of our mind and it makes negative statements to us which sometimes can be very destructive and do us a lot of harm. We need to learn how to keep our Negative Critic on a leash so that it doesn’t have the power to hurt our feelings or worse, like make us feel destructive towards ourselves.
The Negative Critic makes negative statements to us like this:
Gee, I am so stupid!
Why do I stuff things up all the time!
No wonder everyone thinks that I make mistakes!
Same as usual, stuffed up again.
Nobody could be as dumb as me.
Dad was right, I am an idiot!
I can’t do that.
If I try I might fail and then I will look a fool.
Your Negative Critic knows the correct things to say to you (in your mind) to get a reaction that will make you feel bad, or even work you up to thinking that you have a problem that is much worse than it really is.
A person may find that they have a small accident one week, then another a day or so later, then another a week later and then their Negative Critic steps in and sees an opportunity to cause some harm and you find yourself making negative statements that can create a very real problem for your sanity and well being. People then may start noticing that you have had some small accidents recently and they add fuel to the fire by making degrading or negative statements like, “Joe is always hurting himself.” or “Hey Joe, you had better wear a crash helmet around all day!”, “What a fool, Joe is always tripping over his own two feet!” Some of these comments would be said in front of poor Joe and Joe feels conscious that other people are now noticing his little accidents and he starts to panic and wonder when the big accident is going to come in the future. You can see how this can build up and get out of hand in Joe’s head. By this time Joe has a serious problem but it is not having accidents (although in the future Joe could very well have a big accident because his Negative Critic will ‘keep at him’ often) Joe’s problem is how he feels about himself. Joe needs a positive answer.
I have a suspicion that some peoples Negative Critic’s are worse than others because of bad comments that were made to them as a child either from a parent, guardian, brother or sister, friend, school teacher or others who have been able to pass negative suggestions to them in such a way and so often that they “burn” these suggestions into their mind. After this, these suggestions can easily be recalled by their Negative Critic at a moments notice causing a degrading and unhappy feeling to the person who owns the Negative Critic..
The example above ‘Dad was right, I’m an idiot!” shows this. It would be reasonable to suggest that any person who made this statement to themselves was ‘put down’ often by their father who called that person an idiot. Think about it – do you say negative statements similar to those above to yourself, if this is so then do you recall during your younger years somebody making the same ‘put downs’ like the ones you say to yourself?
If you know where the harm came from then you can see that those comments are not a ‘real’ part of you and you can now take positive steps to get rid of them.
Try:
New Positive Statement + Anchor = New Positive Statement.
Make one of your new goals to stop the Negative Critic making your life miserable. Replacing the Negative Critic’s Negative Statement with a Positive Statement can really help. If you catch yourself saying “Why do I always have accidents?!” try replacing it with these suggestions:
I don’t have accidents often!
I must be more careful in the future!
That was just one mishap, I will try to be more careful in the future.
Be firm with yourself because nobody else can save you with these internal problems except you. So be very firm and refuse to give up. Make it a new goal to remove all these Negative Statements from your thinking and replace them with good healthy loving Positive Statements.
A person who suffers from arrogance has a very active Arrogant Adviser. They could have become this way as a protective measure from childhood. Maybe they were not happy making mistakes and they hated people laughing at them so their Arrogant Adviser stepped in and helped fool them into thinking that they were actually better than those who once laughed at them.
Everyone has an ego which sometimes tries to run rampant, keeping this in check can be a real struggle, especially when we have lots of people around us telling us that we ‘are so special’ and ‘better than others’. Here again, our Arrogant Adviser will step in and keep these statements coming to keep up the false facade.
.
We have an Arrogant Adviser who makes statements to us like this:
Man, I am so good, nobody can beat me.
I am the best.
Everyone loves me because I am superior to them all.
The Arrogant Adviser affects these people to such an extent that they start to change in a physical way, such as walking with their chest pumped out and looking at other people like they are worthless. While they walk (or strut) around their Arrogant Adviser is saying “Hey, I am so cool, look at those losers.”
Even though this person may make the same mistakes as other people, their Arrogant Adviser keeps them ‘pumped up’ mentally with arrogant statements which are used to cover up the negative effect of the mistakes that this person has made. So much so, that the real person that he or she is, is hidden from themself. Other people notice this persons mistakes but the arrogant person passes these mistakes off quickly before he or she can do any real damage to his or her high opinion of themself.
These people tend to have friends that will ‘beef up’ their own opinion of themself. These people really need help but nobody can help them until they admit that they have a problem. The suggestions made for the Negative Critic could help people who have an overactive Arrogant Adviser, but they must first be willing to admit (at least to themselves) that they have this problem. Once again, I stress that we need to be totally honest with ourselves because our quest is to find the real truth about ourself and not the truth that we may be hiding from ourselves.
Another thing, you must agree that a clean healthy mind is a great asset. If your mind is not clogged up with negative feelings then you have a lot more room for positive feelings. Also I am convinced that one of the major reasons for the Ten Commandments was to guide us humans to doing good, thinking good and the result is that we will be feeling good, because by keeping to the rules of the Ten Commandments we are living good healthy lifestyles. God was just trying to show us the way to a much better life.
Some people today get negative feelings the moment that they hear someone mention the Ten Commandments because they fear that these Godly rules will take away their rights or not allow them to continue practises that God does not agree to. But if you read the Ten Commandments with an open mind you will surely see that they were designed for the better of mankind. They were written to our advantage and not for our downfall as some may suggest. With a positive attitude and willpower you can follow those rules and by doing so you will surely notice that your life will be much better for the effort.
You are not at fault for adults or older peoples behaviour while you were a child.
This exercise may be hard for some people to deal with but it is a good way to look back and see who helped to give you a lack of confidence, showing you that it is often not anything that you should be blamed for.
Here is a true example of a person being abused by adults. This boy was around 5 years old when this happened.
“I was often brought to the front of the class by my teacher Miss Blue (name changed for obvious reasons), she often did this to show the children that I had not combed my hair each morning or not brushed my teeth, or not washed my face or something else. I was the class example of a child who did not care for himself at 5 years old. My family were poor and we wore the clothing of the poor, grey and boring. We often had breakfast food for lunch at school because it was cheaper to buy. It was noticeable to the other school children that we were different and we were treated accordingly.
“It was well known in my family that I was a slow eater and a slow walker, my sisters used to call me a dawdler, a slang name often given for slow walkers who often daydreamed as they walked. That was me. I also had that type of hair that some people have that a minute after it was brushed has turned into a mess again – it seemed all of its own will. Sometimes (or maybe often) I would be late for school and not wash my face properly or brushed my teeth, such is the life of a hurried daydreaming boy at the age of five.”
“My older sister always had it out for me and she was often finding ways to prove to me that I was wrong. Belittling me was a game for her, which she did well. She also did many mean things to me because she thought that it was funny. Such as pulling my hair until it bled. Spraying hair spray into my mouth for a laugh. Spitting in my face or mouth when she lost an argument among other crazy things.”
“My mother sometimes called me names. Sometimes she said that I was going to be a man like my father, an alcoholic and a wife beater, among other soul destroying comments. She like to tell us that we were adopted because nobody wanted such rotten children as my sisters and I. She liked to say that she found us in various places because our real parents did not want us, like the rubbish bin or in the back garden, etc.
“My father sometimes would belt us behind the head with his hand when he was angry at us. Sometimes he would think that I was weak minded even when I was small and called me names like ‘stupid’ or ‘thick’. I found out later that his father was an alcoholic and put his sons through a hard life, Dad just did what he was taught. Even though he didn’t like the way his father treated him, he treated his own son much the same way at least for a few years”
This is an example of older people picking on a young child.
Here is the victim:
Shy 5 Year Old Boy.
Here are his attackers:
One adult female teacher.
Mother.
Father.
Older sister.
Here we have a situation where three fully grown adults chose to pick at a child (mental abuse) in his young years saying things that were soul destroying. The older sister did the same damage to the small child for her own reasons. The 5 year old boy grew up to be a shy adult. Afraid to speak in front of crowds, afraid of many things that he shouldn’t have been afraid of. Should this adult be to blame for his lack of ability to react in a bold manner? I would say no. It is plainly obvious that the child was outnumbered and easily out-thought by older people, and treated in such a way that he would have a lack of confidence as an adult.
What about you? Can you write down right now some of the people that you remember verbally abusing you on a regular basis? If you can then you can also see that you are not the blame for being timid or shy, or lacking confidence. If you were physically abused then the same theory exists, you are not at fault for any behaviour put upon you as a child by adults or people older than you. You are not the guilty one – the abusers are guilty. But we must forgive them.
This is where forgiving and moving on is helpful. These people who hurt you did it in the past. You learnt a lot from their behaviour, enough to know that you will never treat a child this way. And you know what to look out for so that you can see if anyone else you come across may be doing the same thing to a child. Your task now is to forgive those abusers for their mistakes and correct the damage that they have done. To forgive is to throw away any hatred that you have in your heart. To forgive is good, it clears the slate. You will never find the real you if you have revenge or hate in your heart. To find the real you, you must clear the slate and start again.
Many times child abusers were abused themselves as children either by their own parents or other people. Many of these abusers never learnt to forgive, and what they did was continue the cycle of events to you (if you were this type of victim). You are the lucky one because you know how to ‘break the cycle’ and forgive. It is a total waste of your life and time to hate or have bad feelings against the abusers of your childhood, especially since their is a very high chance that they suffered as you did when they were children. It is far better for your sanity for you to get on with your life under the guidance of God whose true love is the love that will keep you going in the future.
Points of interest:
You are not at fault for adults or older peoples behaviour while you were a child.
You have learnt a lot from the experience.
You can forgive these people for their weaknesses and correct the wrongs done to you.
You can write down the list of abusers names and then pray to God asking for God to forgive them for their crimes against you. Then tell God that you have forgiven these people for their crimes against you. Thank God for giving you the ability to forgive and learn to love those guilty of these types of crimes against children. Your list could go like this:
Mum.
Dad.
Older sister.
Miss Blue.
Your prayer could go like this:
Dear God, I have just been writing down the names of people that I believe treated me badly as a child. I was defenseless against these people, they were stronger, I was weaker physically and mentally. These people had their reasons for treating me this way, reasons that I don’t know of. I have forgiven these people for hurting me and I ask you God to please forgive them as well. I am wise enough to know that sometimes people act in strange ways sometimes not obvious to them and sometimes due to the ways that they were brought up. I am also wise enough to know that it is better to forgive than to hate. These people who hurt me are your children, they have wronged me and they have wronged you. I hope that someday they will realise their wrongs and will do something to make right the wrongs that they have done. I ask you God to please bless these people will love from heaven and love from me as I truly understand what their situation is. Amen.
If you have a case of the Love Smothers, be warned, it will not improve your relationship
with your loved one, more than likely it will push you both apart.
A romantic relationship is not an excuse for one partner to smother the other partner with love. Do you get feelings of stress when your loved one misses a phone call? Or does not turn up at a desired place when he or she was supposed to? Do you ‘cling’ to your love partner when you are together in public? Then you probably have a case of the Love Smothers. This is when you feel that your partner must be with you often and you panic if anything is out of the normal. You may have anxiety attacks about your partner running off with someone or having an accident, in other words you panic. This is much like an animal pining for its owners when they are out for the day or night.
Don’t get me wrong. It is fine to worry to a small degree when your loved one is away for a while this is natural. But some people are desperate to keep close to their love partner all the time, giving the other person not much room to breath.
People with the Love Smothers need to reevaluate their relationships, try to find out why they act this way. Maybe a parent (or one of them) acted this way when the other parent was out for the day or night. If you have a case of the Love Smothers, be warned, it will not improve your relationship with your loved one, more than likely it will push you both apart.
Some parents treat their children with the Love Smothers.
Although some people can go through some terribly traumatic experiences during their lives we should all try to avoid the ‘victim’ feeling. Something that I have noticed over the last few decades is the new found sympathy for victims of bad situations. While we all do sympathise and want to help victims we also must let them get their life together (maybe with our help) so that they can once again feel like normal human beings and not special people because they were victims of unfortunate circumstances.
I have had periods of time that I can now recognise as periods of my life when I felt that I was a victim (and sometimes I was) of other peoples behaviour or abuse of some sort. The feeling of being a victim is very strong and the sympathy can be a feeling that we can easily get used to. It is my experience that if the sympathy carries on for a long period of time then the victim becomes a victim of sympathy. People who have been victims need encouragement and help to develop beyond the pain that they have had to face. Constant sympathy (therapy?) can cause the victim to weaken mentally instead of allowing the person to grow and get over the negative experience that has shattered their life.
Victims can often create protective shells around themselves to protect themselves from the world and harm. They really need to get re-acquainted with the human race after their bad experience. When this should be done is variable depending on the person involved. Encouragement, help and genuine friendship are the keys to success. The victim needs to rebuild their courage and strength while learning to trust and believe in the human race again.
Some people are what I call Part-Time Victims. These people sometimes feel that they are being treated unfairly in certain situations, and while other people in the same negative situation try to find a way to solve the problem, the victim tends to give up or at least not be very helpful. Mainly they feel sorry for themself – this is a part of the Part-Time Victims symptoms.
This is not about the much-publicised subject of people sexually abusing you. This is about you sexually abusing yourself and the results of such actions. Before I say more on this subject I do want to mention what has become common these days amongst the human race in civilised countries. And that is the new system of encouraging sexual behaviour and sexual activity.
Not only is it acceptable for adults to be very sexually active, if that adult is not sexually active then that person is often looked at sideways and undercover comments are often made at the expense of the non-sexually active person. It is also acceptable to feed the already very curious minds of our growing young, our teenagers, with information that is sure to give these teenagers a good head start in their future of sexual experimentation. The school system now teaches human sexual behaviour to teenagers and young children. In some countries children at least as young as nine are taught a subject that is mostly above that child’s comprehension and the child is often very confused in the process. Next we have the councillors who tell parents to let their children (under tens) that personal sexual activity is accepted as long as it is done in private.
I think it is clear why the world has a huge sexual problem that is running out of control and the governments, parents, and all other authorities cannot control it. It reminds me of a fire, if you feed it, then it will flare up grow and the more you feed it the bigger it gets. Until finally it runs out of control because it has been fed in an uncontrolled manner with unexperienced people stoking the fire. Finally the experts cannot even douse the flames and the flames rage onwards like an inferno.
Some people over time become either sex addicts or become ‘anchored’ to sexual activity due to their upbringing or for other reasons. This person, man or woman, may have sexual relations with many people or with only one partner. With the amount of sexual diseases and unwanted pregnancies and abortions in the world today Personal Sex Abuse (PSA) like its counterpart is not a healthy option in your life.
You can become a Personal Sex Abuser in many different ways. Some people are lonely and they think that sex is a way to combat their sad and lonely life. Some people were children of sexually addicted parents who were themselves PSA people. Some people work in the Sex Industry and sexually abuse their bodies for money. Whatever the reason for this personal abuse of our own body and mind the end result is a great loss in a person life. PSA people often abuse other people as part of their addiction which in turn either creates more PSA people or mental and physical stress to their victims.
Sexual contact is a special and natural gift that is to be shared between a man and a woman when they are in the intimate relationship of marriage. This makes the sexual contact special and personal. It is a special thing to know that only you is enjoying the special pleasure from your own partner in love. This sexual pleasure has its own personal intimate personality that can only be shared between two people deeply in love with each other. This may sound old fashioned but it isn’t. Marriage is the proper arena for sexual activity. And you will see that there is a lot of common sense behind this type of thinking. When two people are married they are prepared to spend mental and physical time together. In a perfect world where a man and woman ‘only’ had sexual relations there would be much less:
Abortions.
Sexual diseases.
Sexual abuse.
Personal Sexual Abuse.
Adultery.
Currently this is not a perfect world, but that does not mean that we cannot see the huge advantages of what life could be like in a perfect world. Once we look at these advantages we can now consider what the world would be like if ‘much’ or ‘most’ of the world chose to only have sexual relations during marriage. Obviously the world would be a much better place.
PSA ruins a persons sensitivity physically and emotionally towards sexual pleasure. People in love often state that sexual pleasure between people in love is more sensitive and fulfilling. When a man and a woman are in love the love for their children is genuine. Sexual satisfaction is a wonderful thing and it wouldn’t exist if it were not meant to be enjoyed. But like all things that we enjoy, too much of a good thing and it often becomes stale and boring. People who are addicted to sexual pleasure feel compelled to keep trying to fulfill the ‘need’ that they feel that they ‘must have’. Sadly they will often take many risks and go to great lengths to create situations to get those precious minutes of sexual satisfaction but are then left without any long term satisfaction or happiness in their life. This lack of true satisfaction causes frustration and unhappiness.
The sexual industry, advertising, movies, magazines, radio and television, have created a modern world that is becoming very close to being addicted to sexual behaviour. Some people even state that lots of sexual activity is good for a person. Some people say that having many sexual partners is a good thing. But they don’t mention the downside to lots of sexual activity such as I mentioned above. During my life I have seen many wonderful, kind and caring teenagers become sour and unhappy from lots of sexual activity, mostly with many people.
Today there are marriages where a man often ‘demands’ that his wife ‘fills his natural needs’. We also have instances where a woman may use her body to ‘get what she wants’ from her husband. Over the years I have had many intimate discussions with normal everyday people who have admitted to this behaviour. The downside for the male is that his wife ‘fills his natural needs’ without affection, he then loses her respect. The woman mentioned ‘uses’ her own body as an unemotional tool to get what she wants from the man, her husband. Marriage was never intended to be an arena for sexual abuse and when it becomes sour like this then the relationship will suffer greatly. In many cases the marriage will end in divorce, which in turn hurts more people such as relations and the children that the married couple may have.
Sexual activity in a marriage should be equally connected with satisfying mental activity between the man and woman. This can be achieved, but before it can be only achieved when all PSA is removed from the marriage. True physical love can only come from a couple who truly admire and respect one another.
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